To The Editor:
How many times have you caught yourself saying, “Yourself, where does Mincemeat come from”?
We, your highly compensated investigative reporters, have the answer.
Minces are raised under ground without ever seeing the light of day. Like mushrooms’, they thrive in a damp dark environment.
A very modest looking home in an upscale area of Fair Haven, New Jersey is the disguised entrance to the only Mince farm in North America. This house sits atop a huge underground Mince complex that extends beneath Rumson, Fair Haven, Red Bank and much of Middletown.
We got into a very large freight elevator and descended 137.5 feet. When the door opened we were ushered into the clean room where we were made to shower and don special anti mince virus uniforms.
A hermetically sealed door hissed open and we entered into the vast Mince farm.
Minces are quite friendly to humans; they don’t realize what their purpose in life is or their friendship would quickly turn to hatred. The average size of a full grown Mince is about the same as a well fed Warthog. Our sense of smell was assailed by the almost visible stench of raw garbage. As you all know from eating mince pies there is a distinct foul odor when the pie is first cut. The reason for this malodorous emanation is simple; Minces main diet is raw garbage. If Minces weren’t munching it’s quite possible that the Monmouth county garbage dump – I mean recycling facility – would cover 4/8ths of the county land.
Once attaining full growth the Mince is invited into a small room with a large gang of other Minces and laughing gas is piped in. Whilst all the Minces are engaged in Mince Merriment and filled with laughter the floor opens up and they all fall into the mincer and are immediately ground into mince meat.